Haven't felt like blogging in quite some time ... life gets in the way I guess, but what real life do I even have?
I'm back where I thought I wanted to be, only to find myself wanting to flee once again. I missed friends and family, but have barely seen anyone outside my immediate family, and that's sad. Supposed friends I thought I had have moved on with their own lives ... new circles I'm not a part of, busy with new families, or just empty promises of doing something.
I thought this is what I wanted, but have come to find out through the years that wants aren't set in stone. I have things I'm passionate about, and desires, but wants seem to escape me. I would like a new game console, a new desktop computer capable of running the new final fantasy, I'd like a new camera ... or rather to switch camera systems. What is want? All these things aren't so important that my life would change drastically if I did or didn't have them. When I think of wants, I connect it to passion. Something you cling to the idea of so tightly that it consumes you ... I can only think of one real want right now, and it's an impossibility.
I always told myself that I wanted to settle in Ohio ... thinking that's why I moved back home at this point. I think after only being back a mere 4 months that I've realized that I'm not ready to settle. It's not that I don't want to do the whole get married and have children thing ... I'd actually like to do that (really want to share my life w/ someone ... really want to be a mom), but the opportunity hasn't really presented itself yet.
Of life and love ... I know I've been in love once ... I may have been in love twice ... the first seemed to be one-sided, while the maybe just was never figured out. In both cases, I never dated them, almost the second one, but nothing ever came of them. Outside of family and really close friends I care about, I don't think I've even said "I love you" romantically and meant it. I really want that. After years on unrequited "like", I'm ready to move on with the real thing. Is it here, or do I have to go and find it?
